Defeat Your Ego Before it Defeats You

 

“He’s so full of himself” is a statement of derision. The irony of life is that whoever said it is probably full of herself too. Such is life. But does it have to be that way? While it is too much to expect to change others, you can certainly reduce your own ego and I recommend it. What few gains I have made in ego reduction have greatly increased a deep and lasting sense of well-being in my life. That is why I consider this topic top priority for both happiness and success training. First, what is ego? There are many different definitions, so I will clarify. I don’t mean that ego is your self, otherwise killing ego would be killing yourself, a terrible misunderstanding. Instead, I mean it is an illusory concept of self, inflated beyond reality. In this sense, killing your ego gets you in tune with reality. Sounds good, but there’s a catch. Wouldn’t that make you depressed? If ego protects you from the truth you don’t want to know about yourself, doesn’t destruction of ego open you up to depressing truths? Well, that depends. The only reason those truths are unwanted in the first place is because we are attached to the notion they are true. Having your sense of self popped is depressing for anyone. However, having no ego, by which I mean a sense of self that is accurate, means much less chance for disappointment. I’ll discuss how to get there in a moment. In other words, if you are not attached to a particular outcome, any outcome can be a pleasant reminder that you are alive. It’s quite nice. I invite you to try it. Lies are social lubricant because ego cannot handle the truth. Flattery, because of ego, is something that always works, though you would like to believe it doesn’t work on you (it does), but the less ego you have the less flattery can fool you. Do you really want to reward people for lying to you? Perhaps, if it makes you feel better. But soothing the ego only makes you feel better in the sense that smoking a cigarette makes you feel better: it keeps you from feeling worse. You would feel even better than that if you did not smoke at all. Likewise, without ego, you do not require soothing lies, and this will save you a lot of energy. Not only will you not have to lie to yourself, you will not have to work so hard to cover up for your (poorly concealed) self-delusions or build your ego back up while reality continually damages it. That’s never any fun. Most people assume an inflated ego is an unalterable reality, probably because most people have one all their lives. The normal, happy person consistently overestimates her abilities. Nevertheless, there are many people who have successfully reduced the ego and exhibit greater happiness and poise as a result. What did they do? Ask the happiest person you know, and see what she says. Check her recommendations against mine. Ego gets in the way of more happiness and more success. The good news is you can reduce it. HOW TO KICK THE EGO HABIT This is where your typical 7-10 steps is a waste of time. They have too many “don’ts” and too few “dos”. That can be frustrating and ineffective. I will simply share a habit or two that helps me and which I think will help the most people. Two may be one too many, since these habits are difficult and take much practice. Do only what makes sense to you. Seek doing your best instead of personal achievement. Getting in the zone and working hard makes you feel better, do better and frees you from your limiting ego. Practice concerning yourself with doing your best and getting in the zone, without benchmarking. This is huge. If you need to be “good” you will become discouraged by the fact that we all start out at the beginning and things take longer than we wish them to. So you will need to be lied to in order to keep going. “You’re doing a great job!” That is how we treat children. The problem is that when we assume we are doing better than we really are, we get scraped up real good. Ouch. Now consider the alternative. If you realize that doing your best is a deep source of satisfaction, no matter how you end up, the truth is always good news. You have plenty of room for improvement. And, since the unadulterated truth is the best aid for doing your best without running into barriers or waiting for external reinforcement, the truth will become your friend, not your enemy, and flattery will be your enemy, not your friend. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls this the Growth Mindset, and she finds that when a child adopts it, even for a moment, his capacity to handle honest feedback goes through the roof, almost instantly. On the flip side, 40 percent of those whose intelligence was praised overstated their scores to peers. “We took ordinary children and made them into liars,” Dweck says. Similarly, Enron executives who’d been celebrated for their innate talent would sooner lie than fess up to problems and work to fix them. [Stanford Magazine]. When young people’s sense of self-worth is bound up in the idea that they are smart—a quality they come to understand as a genetic blessing from the sky—at least three bad things can happen. Some students become lazy, figuring that their smarts will bail them out in a pinch. Others conclude that the people who praise their intelligence are simply wrong, and decide that it isn’t worth investing effort in homework. Still others might care intensely about school but withdraw from difficult tasks or tie themselves in knots of perfectionism. (To understand this third group, think of the Puritans: They did not believe they had any control over whether they were among God’s elect, but they nonetheless searched endlessly for ways to display that they had been chosen, and they were terrified of any evidence that they were not.) [The Chronicle Review] Meditate on the idea that the individual self and the universal soul are one and the same, aka “all is one.” Don’t try and prove logically that it’s true or false. That would be absurd and frustrating. The authors of the Upanishads spent years contemplating and arguing among each other until they agreed on this one basic truth: all is one. The wisdom from all corners of the world seems to boil down to the same statement. The tremendous benefit of this centering belief is that you understand that you are simultaneously eternal and infinitesimal. When you die, you lose nothing. If you hurt another person, you are hurting both yourself and the whole world. I don’t know why, but this idea gives me deep serenity, and no shelter for ego. If you don’t like the spiritual flavor of that, meditate on the scientific probability that there are infinite universes. That has a very similar conclusion, part of which is that there is no reason to make such a big deal about getting your way or to bemoan minutiae. However, there is no reason not to either, so I cannot say you are wrong to disagree with me here. All I can say is what I sincerely recommend. ONE CAUTION Though you choose to reduce ego to improve your quality of life, be sure to respect other people’s decisions not to reduce ego or to have a poor quality of life. You can still try to convince them and, besides, doing so respectfully will be most effective. Of course, if you reduce ego, you will naturally respect others’ decisions. I just mention this because it is one place I tripped up many times.