"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

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The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working.

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. <br />To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, <br />expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working.

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be wi...

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"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are."

"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are."

"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at some higher place. Start right where you are."

"Wherever you are is always the right place. There is never a need to fix anything, to hitch up the bootstraps of the soul and start at...

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The endless tears and fear of separation

As I lay in bed,<br /><br /><br />Tossing and turning about,<br /><br />You slept soundly next to me.<br /><br /><br /><br />Listening to your rhythmic breathing,<br /><br />I turned over and hugged you close to me,<br /><br />And my tears began to fall.<br /><br /><br /><br />Afraid that you would be awakened,<br /><br />I quickly turned my back to you,<br /><br />Trying my very best to quiet my sobs.<br /><br /><br /><br />An aching feeling griped my heart,<br /><br />And the ache continued to squeeze my heart,<br /><br />Making me wanting to cry out loud.<br /><br /><br /><br />Days without you seem unbearable,<br /><br />And even now I struggle to chase away these sad thoughts,<br /><br />That torment my mind and grieve my heart. <br /><br /><br /><br />I try not to recall memories of our first departure,<br /><br />The endless tears and fear of separation,<br /><br />And I wonder if I can withstand another heart-wrenching episode. <br /><br /><br /><br />I worry if you will be alright on your own,<br /><br />During the days when I am not by your side,<br /><br />After we have created so many memories together.<br /><br /><br /><br />When I imagined you with that lost boy look, <br /><br />That conveyed your loneliness and longing for me,<br /><br />I pray that our love will make you strong in the days ahead.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am hardly confident that I can hold myself together,<br /><br />When I have to leave you for the second time,<br /><br />And return to where I came from with a weeping heart.<br /><br /><br /><br />How I wish I could say out loud to you,<br /><br />I don't want to leave and please make me stay,<br /><br />So that we can build a new life together.<br /><br /><br /><br />But reality came down hard on me, <br /><br />We don't have the means to start a new life now, <br /><br />Till you can make it on your own to come get me. <br /><br /><br /><br />Your faraway presence will keep me company,<br /><br />As I hold dear to the magical moments we have shared, <br /><br />And strive to keep our our love burning in my heart. <br /><br /><br /><br />Things happened for a reason,<br /><br />And I had gone through much to be with you,<br /><br />If we are meant to be together we will be. <br /><br /><br /><br />Our separation will be a test of our love,<br /><br />Whether it will withstand the challenge of distance and time,<br /><br />And grow into something stronger and more enduring.<br /><br /><br /><br />Farewell my love,<br /><br />May you smile whenever you think of me,<br /><br />And may we be embraced in each other's arms once again.

The endless tears and fear of separation

As I lay in bed, Tossing and turning about, You slept soundly next to me. Listening to your rhythmic breathing, I turned over and hugged you...

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Confidence

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Confidence

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If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.

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All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.

All misfortune is but a stepping stone to fortune.

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A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

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life was about to begin - real life

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

life was about to begin - real life

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something...

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man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?"The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,"Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.<br /><br /><blockquote>It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.</blockquote><br /><br /><br />In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he ...

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We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. <br /><br /><br />Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. <br /><br />It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. <br /><br />We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? <br /><br />Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. <br /><br />Your playing small does not serve the world. <br /><br />There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. <br /><br />We are all meant to shine, as children do. <br /><br />We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. <br /><br />It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. <br /><br />And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.<br /><br />As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness t...

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credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly

The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly; who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spend themselves in a worthy cause; who at the best, know the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if they fail, fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. <br /><br /><br />-- Theodore Roosevelt

credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly

The credit belongs to those who are actually in the arena, who strive valiantly; who know the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and sp...

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Meeting

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Meeting

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To Lady of the Rainbow and Gerhard Way

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be willing to change our belief system, let the past slip away, expand our sense of now, and dissolve the fear in our minds.

To Lady of the Rainbow and Gerhard Way

The world we see that seems so insane is the result of a belief system that is not working. To perceive the world differently, we must be wi...

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i wrote this for my husband when he reached his first year of sobority in alcoholics annonyomous and narcotics annonyomous

I knew you could do it i knew you would not stray; <br /><br />I waited and i prayed that you would reach this day.<br /><br />You've changed your life completely you've become a different man; <br /><br />You never said i can't do that you only said i can.<br /><br />You made us all so proud the kids now have their DAD; <br /><br />Look only to the future and forgive all the bad.<br /><br />You are so honest, so loyal and so true; <br /><br />You always put your heart in everything you do.<br /><br />Your kids now look up to you and admire who you are; <br /><br />The road you had to travel must have seemed so far.<br /><br />You never looked back you were determined to succeed; <br /><br />You are no more a follower you now are in the lead.<br /><br />You are now the DAD your kids want you to be; <br /><br />You set a great example for everyone to see.<br /><br />You are my inspiration and when i look into your eyes; <br /><br />I know I'll always love you until the day i dye.

i wrote this for my husband when he reached his first year of sobority in alcoholics annonyomous and narcotics annonyomous

I knew you could do it i knew you would not stray; I waited and i prayed that you would reach this day. You've changed your life complet...

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Compassionate Alcoholics

Compassion<br /><br />is never lacking an an alcoholic.<br /><br />It is his sensitivity to pain, <br /><br />his willingness to take on the burdens<br /><br />of others, consciously or unconsciously, <br /><br />which causes some to choose booze<br /><br />to tune out their pain.<br /><br /><br /><br />But in the long run, alcohol causes more<br /><br />pain.

Compassionate Alcoholics

Compassion is never lacking an an alcoholic. It is his sensitivity to pain, his willingness to take on the burdens of others, consciously or...

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The Alcoholics Curse

Drinking all day of the week of the year<br /><br />Is an alky's terrible curse you should fear<br /><br />Then there's the week when they're not feeling well<br /><br />They can't properly eat and their ankles will swell.<br /><br /><br /><br />They can't remember a time they were free <br /><br />From their yearning for Vodka or sweet G n'T<br /><br />When they'd baulk at the mess that's under the bridge<br /><br />Or the dread when there's no beer left in the fridge.<br /><br /><br /><br />If you live with one then the curse is yours too<br /><br />You might wish that you'd left the warm nest and just flew<br /><br />Some will put up with it, Loyalty is strong<br /><br />Or just leave them to it say goodbye and be gone.<br /><br /><br /><br />Alcoholism is a terrible fate<br /><br />It's an illness we know so before it's too late<br /><br />Please be careful with the dirty booze<br /><br />Because you have everything you love and own to lose.

The Alcoholics Curse

Drinking all day of the week of the year Is an alky's terrible curse you should fear Then there's the week when they're not feel...

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The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,<br /><br />And sorry I could not travel both<br /><br />And be one traveler, long I stood<br /><br />And looked down one as far as I could<br /><br />To where it bent in the undergrowth;<br /><br />Then took the other, as just as fair,<br /><br />And having perhaps the better claim<br /><br />Because it was grassy and wanted wear,<br /><br />Though as for that the passing there<br /><br />Had worn them really about the same,<br /><br />And both that morning equally lay<br /><br />In leaves no step had trodden black.<br /><br />Oh, I marked the first for another day!<br /><br />Yet knowing how way leads on to way<br /><br />I doubted if I should ever come back.<br /><br /><br /><br />I shall be telling this with a sigh<br /><br />Somewhere ages and ages hence:<br /><br />Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,<br /><br /><span style="color: red;">I took the one less traveled by,</span><br /><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><br /><span style="color: red;">And that has made all the difference.</span>

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I cou...

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Good in all

Good in all,<br />In the satisfaction and aplomb of animals,<br />In the annual return of the seasons,<br />In the hilarity of youth;<br />In the strength and flush of manhood,<br />In the grandeur and exquisiteness of old age,<br />In the superb vistas of Death.<br /> <br />Wonderful to depart!<br />Wonderful to be here!<br />The heart, to jet the all-alike and innocent blood,<br />To breathe the air, how delicious!<br />To speak! to walk! to seize something by the hand!<br />To prepare for sleep, for bed?to look on my rose-coloured flesh,<br />To be conscious of my body, so amorous, so large.<br />To be this incredible God I am,<br />To have gone forth among other Gods?those men and women I love.

Good in all

Good in all, In the satisfaction and aplomb of animals, In the annual return of the seasons, In the hilarity of youth; In the strength and f...

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Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;">God grant me the serenity<br />to accept the things I cannot change;<br />courage to change the things I can;<br />and wisdom to know the difference.</span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;">Living one day at a time;<br />Enjoying one moment at a time;<br />Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;<br />Taking, as He did, this sinful world<br />as it is, not as I would have it;<br />Trusting that He will make all things right<br />if I surrender to His Will;<br />That I may be reasonably happy in this life<br />and supremely happy with Him<br />Forever in the next.<br />Amen.</span><br /><blockquote><blockquote><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif;"><i>--Reinhold Niebuhr</i></span><br /></blockquote></blockquote>

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Livin...

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If there be a God let him show himself

Although he didn't believe in God, although he believed only in the power of his own mind, he found himself begging God for help. "If there be a God let him show himself" he cried. The response was amazing. "Suddenly my room blazed with an indescribably white light. I was seized with an ecstasy beyond description. Every joy I had known was pale by comparison," he wrote later. "Then, seen in the mind's eye, there was a mountain. I stood upon its summit where a great wind blew. A wind, not of air but of spirit. In great, clear strength it blew right through me. Then came the blazing thought, 'you are a free man.' "

If there be a God let him show himself

Although he didn't believe in God, although he believed only in the power of his own mind, he found himself begging God for help. "...

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I am at peace in the midst of this divine-order day.

Whether I find myself in a busy home or a thriving workplace, my environment may seem chaotic at times. If I feel stress building within me, I know my perspective needs adjusting. I take a deep breath and quiet my thoughts. As I become centered, I am able to see my experiences differently. I look at my life and the world around me with fresh eyes.<br /><br />I see divine order at work in the system of life and activity that is flourishing around me. And I am divinely equipped to do what is mine to do. I have the time, talent and resources I need to contribute in meaningful ways. I am centered and calm, peaceful and poised, in the midst of this divine-order day”.

I am at peace in the midst of this divine-order day.

Whether I find myself in a busy home or a thriving workplace, my environment may seem chaotic at times. If I feel stress building within me,...

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Down at the very bottom of the social scale of AA society are the pariahs, the untouchables, and the outcasts

Down at the very bottom of the social scale of AA society are the pariahs, the untouchables, and the outcasts, all known by one excoriating epithet-relatives. I am a relative. I know my place. I am not complaining. But I hope no one minds if I venture the plaintive confession that there are times, oh, many, many, times when I wish I had been an alcoholic. By that I mean that I wish I were an AA. The reason is that I consider the AA people the most charming in the world. <br />Such is my considered opinion. As a journalist it has been my fortune to meet many of the people who are considered charming. I number among my friends stars, and lesser lights of stage and cinema; writers are my daily diet. I know the ladies and gentleman of both political parties; I have been entertained in the White House. I have broken bread with kings and ministers and ambassadors and I say after that catalog, which could be extended, that I would prefer an evening with my AA friends to any person or group of persons I have indicated. <br />I ask myself why I consider so charming these alcoholic caterpillars who have found their butterfly wings in Alcoholics Anonymous. There are more reasons than one, but I can name a few. <br />They are imaginative, and that helps to make them alcoholics. Some of them drank to flog their ambition on to greater efforts. Others guzzled only to black out unendurable demons that rose in their imagination. But when they have found their restoration, their imagination is responsive to new incantations, and their talk abounds with color and light, and that makes them charming companions too.

Down at the very bottom of the social scale of AA society are the pariahs, the untouchables, and the outcasts

Down at the very bottom of the social scale of AA society are the pariahs, the untouchables, and the outcasts, all known by one excoriating ...

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It makes you know that God, Himself, is really charming, because the AA people reflect His mercy and His forgiveness.

The AA people are what they are, and they were what they were, because they are sensitive, imaginative, possessed of a sense of humor and awareness of universal truth. They are sensitive, which means they are hurt easily, and that helped them to become alcoholics. But when they have found their restoration, they are still as sensitive as ever; responsive to beauty and to truth and eager about the intangible glories of this life. That makes them charming companions. <br /><br /><br />They are possessed with a sense of humor. Even in their cups they have been known to say damnable funny things. Often it was being forced to take seriously the little and mean things of life that make them seek escape in a bottle. But when they have found restoration, their sense of humor finds a blessed freedom, and they are able to reach a godlike state where they can laugh at themselves, the very height of self conquest. Go to the meetings and listen to the laughter. At what are they laughing? At ghoulish memories over which weaker souls would cringe in useless remorse. And that makes them wonderful people to be with by candlelight. <br /><br />And they are possessed of a sense of universal truth. That is often a new thing in their hearts. The fact that this at-one-meant with God's universe had never been awakened in them is sometimes the reason why they drank. The fact that it was at last awakened is almost always the reason why they were restored to the good and simple ways of life. Stand with them when the meeting is over, and listen while they say the "Our Father." They have found a power greater than themselves which they diligently serve. And that gives them a charm that never was elsewhere on land or sea. It makes you know that God, Himself, is really charming, because the AA people reflect His mercy and His forgiveness.

It makes you know that God, Himself, is really charming, because the AA people reflect His mercy and His forgiveness.

The AA people are what they are, and they were what they were, because they are sensitive, imaginative, possessed of a sense of humor and aw...

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It’s strange that Wilson lived worse sober than he did as a hopeless lush.

It’s strange that Wilson lived worse sober than he did as a hopeless lush. AA folklore casts his situation in a romantic light, using it to demonstrate that Wilson gave up everything for the cause, but this doesn’t fly. As a drunk, Wilson lived like his patron, Nelson Rockefeller, but when sober he and Lois used fruit boxes as furniture, and he continually bemoaned his tough financial situation. Wilson was no martyr, so his inability to earn a livable wage while sober is decidedly strange, especially from a man with such a finely-tuned financial mind. Wilson’s poverty was a boon to him, however, when the Cleveland chapter of AA accused him of embezzling funds from the Foundation and from royalties earned from the publication of the Big Book. The accusations were neither proved nor disproved, and most AA members seemed willing to cut Wilson some slack. In any event, Cleveland eventually got over their problem, and AA continued to flourish, even in the face of further controversy. From the time he was a young man, Wilson and the ladies were never far separated. He was an attractive fellow and women were drawn to his smarts and passion. His womanizing continued after his marriage to Lois and for the majority of his life. Though he had “cured” his addiction to alcohol, Wilson never lost his addiction to women. Late in her life, Lois claimed that, despite abundant evidence, she was never aware of any impropriety on the part of her husband. But she must’ve known.

It’s strange that Wilson lived worse sober than he did as a hopeless lush.

It’s strange that Wilson lived worse sober than he did as a hopeless lush. AA folklore casts his situation in a romantic light, using it to ...

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Want to Change the World? Own Up to Your Fear

<blockquote><br /><span style="color: blue;">It's essential that anyone committed to a path of enlightened partnership is also committed to his or her own emotional healing and purification. If not, unconscious fears will start running the show.The tipping point for successful co-creation is the ability to maintain a state of caring and affinity, especially during difficult times or upsets. What could undermine your ability to do this? The answer is clear. It is fear. Fear of being hurt, again. Fear of being used. Fear of being judged. Fear of losing. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing respect. The fear can be so big that it clouds your good judgment.f you want to stay on a path of cooperation, collaboration and co-creation you have to find the courage to stand up to your own inner demons. If you don’t, the chances you will have the “intestinal fortitude” to stand up to the big demons in the outer world are pretty slim. Making the world a better place is especially challenging for the half-learned because there is usually such a wide gap between their ideals and the reality of their life. It is important for those who step on the path to be committed to fully learning to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. We think that is what Gandhi meant by “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Contributing to the conscious evolution of our world is a heroic path requiring courage and impeccable self-honesty. It’s not going to happen if people simply mouth the words of co-creation but are unable or unwilling to employ the necessary skills.Some people say they want to help make the world a better place. Many believe they can. Are you such a person? If so, be sure you tend to the place in you that undermines your ability to maintain an open heart and mind during times of dissonance. Identify your fears, and learn to calm yourself in times of stress so that the fear doesn't overtake your nobler impulse to love.</span><br /></blockquote>

Want to Change the World? Own Up to Your Fear

It's essential that anyone committed to a path of enlightened partnership is also committed to his or her own emotional healing and puri...

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Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing

The Preacher says,<br /><br />"Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!" <br /><br />Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." <br /><br />Leroy replies:<br />"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." <br />The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays he prays for Leroy.<br />After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?" <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."

Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing

The Preacher says, "Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward to the front, at the altar!" Leroy gets in line, and when it...

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initial meeting between Bill W. and cofounder Dr. Bob S. in 1935 in Akron was the single most important event in the 20th century

<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfNO8uTcuFy09x0Xt7cUmXv_lun6RemOMbUc20tL9OzOQAEjU1cMOiuQJUSvoCZIl6LYeqde3Al4tTIEzO0vOB_ohOLPEgxhcy3-q5aCZtE7law9c7pKHaorhL-_zRA0iLZSNCn_Ajog/s1600-h/265966.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399014159158517938" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUfNO8uTcuFy09x0Xt7cUmXv_lun6RemOMbUc20tL9OzOQAEjU1cMOiuQJUSvoCZIl6LYeqde3Al4tTIEzO0vOB_ohOLPEgxhcy3-q5aCZtE7law9c7pKHaorhL-_zRA0iLZSNCn_Ajog/s400/265966.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 273px; height: 400px;" /></a><br /><br /><br />It is not entirely clear to me, one who has never had a drug or alcohol problem, why I entered the professional field of drug and alcohol counseling and have remained there for the past ten years. There are vivid memories of my grandfather, a rural, smalltown, Dakota car dealer, periodically and predictably having to deal with his bother-in-law, who was 20 years his junior and worked as a mechanic in his shop, and his alcoholism. I know that my grandfather, an intense loyalist with family members, struggled a great deal inside himself as to how to manage my great-uncle's binges and absences from work. As a strong Enneatype 6 (E6) my grandfather must have certainly fought a raging internal war in his mind between his loyalist side and the side that wanted to punish my great-uncle's impulsive excesses by firing him. <br /><br />It was while I was pastoring in "bush" Alaska that I was exposed to alcoholism of its worst varieties. It was also there that I strongly felt the "call" to leave the pastorate and enter the counseling field. In the midst of this life-changing decision I was also exposed first hand to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and its founder, Bill W. With exposure to AA's 12 Steps I found myself experiencing something of a kind of spiritual conversion experience in spite of never having had a drug or alcohol problem. I had had several significant spiritual experiences previously, but this one initiated me into the world of addiction and the human-ness of addiction as psychiatrist Gerald May would put it. <br /><br />It shouldn't be too surprising to have a spirtual experience with the 12 Steps since it is, in fact, a "spiritual" program. M. Scott Peck has gone so far as to say that that initial meeting between Bill W. and cofounder Dr. Bob S. in 1935 in Akron was the single most important event in the 20th century. Peck also suggests that AA's 12 Steps is the only unique contribution to spirituality from the West. We could argue with Peck on these points, but the impact that AA has had on the entire world cannot be lightly dismissed. <br /><br />Ten years go by and I am a seasoned veteran in the trenches of treating an extremely varied and diverse group of human beings with equally varied and diverse patterns and severities of alcohol and/or drug problems. For the past year, I have also been conducting an intensive evening program of nine hours per week that combines integration of the Enneagram, a depth system of spiritual and psychological insight featuring nine characterological energy styles or personality types, and my mental health and domestic violence experience with drug and alcohol treatment. During the course of developing and conducting this unique, integrated program I became reacquainted with the wonderful film depicting Bill W.'s life and experiences, "My Name is Bill W.", A Hallmark Hall of Fame presentation, broadcast for the first time on television about ten years ago. <br /><br />The film stars James Woods as Bill W. and James Garner as Dr. Bob along with JoBeth Williams as Bill's wife, Lois. Gary Sinise also turns in a fine performance as Bill's longtime friend Ebby Thatcher. Having integrated the Enneagram into my therapy practice for the past five years it was inevitable that the Enneatype of Bill W. - and what that would mean to the addictions field - would capture my imagination and energy. Tom Condon is correct when he states that most films unconsciously reveal clear Enneatype dynamics, so authoritative is the Enneagram in describing core, underlying human, characterological dynamics despite frequent, gross distortions by Hollywood's writers and producers. My Name is Bill W. is no exception to this. <br /><br />The timing couldn't have been better for Dr. Paul Boroff, a pharmacist, to write a series of articles in The Enneagram Educator describing his personal experiences dispensing medications to identified Enneatyped individuals. (Dr. Boroff's series ended prematurely at type 6 with the termination of that publication. I also questioned at times Dr. Boroff's typing of certain individuals.) Of significant noteworthiness to our present concerns is Dr. Boroff's suspicion that most members of AA would seem to fall into the E6 category. It has been my personal experience in therapy as a professional drug and alcohol counselor that such is, in fact, the case, while at the same time realizing that the region of the country I practice in is significantly type 6 in cultural makeup. I believe Dr. Boroff's comment to be important from the standpoint of being a professional but uninvolved, objective observer outside the field. <br /><br />With experienced, focused attention and intuitive knowledge and understanding of Enneatype 6, and especially the counterphobic (cp) dynamic of E6, it becomes abundantly clear that the film depicting Bill W.'s life from the end of WWI to well after the founding and proliferation of AA in the US describes the counterphobic dynamic of Bill W.'s E6. <br /><br />In looking at a movie of this variety--one whose intent is to depict a real-life character and the events surrounding that character--the question inevitably is raised as to the historical authenticity of the movie's portrayal of events. Since this can be a problem--Hollywood has felt free to stretch some history beyond recognition--I've decided to include in parentheses the page number from the Third Edition (1976) of Alcoholics Anonymous next to the movie section with descriptions from Bill Wilson himself of the particular event under discussion. This section alone (pp. 1-16) provides consistent first hand data verifying the events of the movie to a significant degree. <br /><br /><br /><br />The overarching theme which connects the movie's description of the counterphobic variety of E6 to Bill W.'s life is the "conquering hero" motif that is introduced almost immediately in the movie and forms a thread throughout. It would be wise at this point to separate and distinguish this "conquering hero" motif from Campbell's "hero" archetype. Certainly Campbell's "hero" archetype is more universal and would apply to a number of the Enneatypes, if not actually all nine of them in one form or another. The "conquering hero" motif in this movie is connected to the characterological trait linked specifically to E6 as hyperalert protectionism that is commonly engaged in an underdog situation or when the E6 feels "up against it." This dynamic, at the deepest level, is motivated by the energy of fear where the counterphobic corrals energy in an extremely focused way for a specific goal to be accomplished. The problem encountered frequently with counterphobic individuals is that the fear is extremely well hidden in most cases. And the movie portrays this quite well. For much of the movie we really don't know for sure how intense fear is involved as the core motivator in Bill's life. But one brief scene, which will be looked at in detail, provides all the evidence we need to see the deep well of fear that can only come out for Bill in his most defeated and vulnerable moments. <br /><br />The "conquering hero" theme begins almost immediately in the movie which begins in a scene at Dr. Bob's house where Dr. Bob (cofounder of AA with Bill) is near death in the 1950's. As Bill and Lois pull away from Dr. Bob's house a brief dialogue occurs between them that not only reveals the bipolar dynamic (typically referred to as "all-or-nothing thinking") of Bill W. but leads us into a flashback of immediate post WWI when Lois specifically refers to Bill as her "conquering hero." The conversation reveals the bipolar dynamic in that Bill W. can heroically address thousands at an AA convention with courage and confidence, but doesn't know how he will go on in life with Dr. Bob passing on. <br /><br />The flashback scene depicts Bill and Lois in 1919 walking the streets of New York, Bill still in uniform carrying his Army bag, heading to the tavern where Bill's Army buddies laud him for his courage and bravery. Bill has just referred to his love of being in authority, combined with being a caring parental figure who "understood how (his men) felt: alone, afraid" and how he "loved being a leader, giving orders" (p.1). There is a strong military theme that runs throughout the E6 character that is connected by the issue of authority. Bill's description of himself combines both this authority dynamic and the sensitivity of feeling that often prompts healthy caring of others, but also frequent overresponsibility for others' pains and desperate situations without good boundaries. <br /><br />This conquering hero dynamic is well stated by Patricia Tobey, the counterphobic E6 exemplar in Helen Palmer's video Nine Points of View: Nine Women in Relationship - <br /><br /><br />I can move mountains for someone else. But for myself, if it's just my own situation, I can become very paralyzed. But put a cause in front of me and nothing can stop me. To this day I don't understand the dynamics of it; it is amazing. There's a tremendous amount of energy in that way in dealing with people that has got me into some pretty wacky relationships, actually. Because I tended to pick people in pain, people who were struggling with addictions. In some ways it allowed me to not deal with my own issues, but it also gets a tremendous amount of energy going in me . . . and I can do a lot with the situation. but it's not a healthy relationship. <br />We see this dynamic repeated consistently in Bill's life throughout the movie culminating in Bill and Lois essentially opening up their home as a combined treatment center/halfway house for any alcoholic off the street they can pick up (p. 15). <br />The conquering hero continues in the depiction of Bill's career as a stock broker. He quickly becomes bored, frustrated and angry over his job writing the latest stock numbers on a chalk board and announces to Ebby that he's going to be "top banana of my own outfit . . . now that I've made the world safe for democracy" (p. 2). A key scene occurs when Bill meets with the head of a large brokerage firm trying to sell him on the idea of being a corporate spy who infiltrates businesses on "the front" gathering secret information useful in stock trading. Again we see the military and hero themes pronounced along with the E6 need for certainty forming a clear characterological pattern. However, the head of the brokerage firm, Ebby's boss, is "too conservative" for this idea and turns Bill down. What ensues is the first indication the movie gives of the E6 bipolar dynamic interfacing with alcohol use. Bill immediately moves from an exaggerated, idealistic imagination to a frustrated, angry, who-gives-a-rip (depressed?) attitude and spends the night in song and drink despite having told his wife by phone a number of hours earlier that he would be home shortly. <br /><br />This scene is important in that it depicts several key counterphobic features. It is a good example of what Tom Condon calls the E6 type of "romanticism"--a romanticizing, not of a relationship or feelings (as in E2 or E4), but of an imagined ideal.1 But when the imagined ideal fails, even just temporarily, the E6 can only conceive of one other option--the bipolar opposite extreme, a kind of depressive failure with feelings of being victimized in some way that is accompanied by anger and revenge that often leads to thoughtless, impulsive decisions that are universally regretted later, forming a cycle of abuse and remose that is repeated. <br /><br />The aspect of CP E6 attention should also be mentioned here. The intense extreme ("bipolar") to which the energy to conquer a goal is focused blinds the E6 from being able to focus attention toward other important things in the environment. It becomes like a laser beam--extremely powerful in its energy and force, but very narrowly focused. I've also likened this dynamic to a Japanese fan which, when spread out, covers a broad path, but when retracted becomes very narow. The result of Bill's intense focus on conquering the financial world is that he quickly loses focus on the importance of his wife who just happens to be hemoraging from a failed pregnancy and nearly dies had it not been for the coincidental intervention of Lois' father, a physician. <br /><br />The scene also illustrates how the defense mechanism of projection can work in very subtle, but powerful ways with individuals that are not quickly or normally identified as "authority figures." Bill has subtly and unconsciously projected a great deal of his own personal, relationship power onto his wife Lois who becomes one of his personal litmus indicators as to whether or not he is okay. The repeated cycle of promise, failure of promise, remorse is rooted in this dynamic. Bill, as an E6, makes the promises to his wife Lois (to quite drinking, to make it all up to her, etc., etc.), not because he really means it. He only makes the promises to her because he inwardly, greatly fears her wrath and anger as a projected authority figure and the promises are only given to avoid immediate "punishment" from the "authority figure." These promises are made frequently because of the powerful counterphobic belief that anything can be conquered if one just tries hard enough. But it only leads to repeated failure, remorse and an exaggerated sense of guilt which is manifested through self-punishment rather than positive, realistic and constructive improvement (p. 7). Lois eventually gets fed up with this cycle later in the movie and angrily chastises Bill. <br /><br />Following Lois' recovery, Bill's counterphobic, goal-oriented determination leads him to appoint himself as a business spy. He and Lois head upstate on a camping trip to include infiltration of up-and-coming businesses (p. 2). Posing as a Thomas Edison employee and with the help of alcohol he provokes a challenge to General Electric research scientists in the tavern and gains access to GE's top secrets. In a state of ecstasy Bill rushes back to camp late at night to find Lois inside their tent quaking in fear, holding a hunting knife. This is the first of a number of scenes which depict Lois as the opposite, phobic manifestation of E6. She has imagined all kinds of horrors happening outside the tent and practically drives herself crazy with fear. The ensuing scene would be comical if not for its realism. Bill is off in his romantic ideal of success while Lois is crying tears of anxiety and fear. They remain at their opposite poles without any sense of connecting with each other. Lois, in effect, unconsciously, demands that Bill meet her emotional need while Bill demands that she meet him in ecstasy and neither gives in to meet each other. <br /><br />The result of the expedition is that Bill gets hired (p. 3) and becomes an overnight success at the brokerage firm that originally rejected him. In the meantime all the alcohol that has been used to loosen things up escalates into increasing loss of control and humiliating circumstances. There is the dinner party at his home with his wife's family where he becomes intoxicated with wine ("it's not booze") at the table and spills his glass in front of all the guests due to impaired motor function. Then there's the party at his boss' best friend's house where he winds up getting drunk with another woman in the wine cellar only to be discovered by his boss, who promptly fires him, and his wife. <br /><br />Finally, Bill is coerced by his wife to see the alcohol specialist Dr. William Silkworth who would later write "The Doctor's Opinion" in the First Edition of Alcoholics Anonymous. At this checkup it is revealed that Bill has some liver damage. Bill explains that alcohol is a necessary part of his business and engages in what would best be called counterphobic minimizing (commonly referred to in the alcohol counseling field by the often-distorted and cliched term "denial"). Just as the phobic E6 tends to maximize situations by blowing them up out of proportion in order to anticipate and avoid danger, so Cp E6 tends to minimize situations in order to conquer or challenge the fear or danger. Both are at unrealistic extremes (varying greatly from individual to individual) and tend to cling to their respective poles. In order to conquer a situation the counterphobic can't be hanging around feeling a lot of fear which would have the natural tendency toward phobic response. Therefore, the fear is shoved away, out of conscious feeling in order to conquer a situation or goal. As a habituated pattern, then, the counterphobic minimizes situations of potential danger including alcohol dependence. Also, as mentioned earlier, it is the belief that if a problem should arise it can always be conquered by limitless energy wrought from extreme romantic idealism or mythologizing. The counterphobic is habituated to conquering and not only sees no use for moderating limits but feels inwardly worthless, defeated and extraordinarily guilty by not conquering a situation--thus the difficulty, for example, in the counterphobic admitting defeat to an alcohol problem. The energy always naturally flows to proving others and the self wrong that there is an alcohol problem. <br /><br />We see both the bipolar dynamic with respect to alcohol and the counterphobic energy of determined conquering in the movie's next scene depicting the great stock market crash of the late 20's (p. 4). In a flurry of frenzied phone calling Bill is determined to "not go down with everyone else" all the while he's putting down a fifth of whiskey. Later on that night he arrives at his expensive highrise condo to announce to Lois that they are being evicted from the building. He staggers drunk down the street only to be rounded up the next morning with the skid row bums, still dressed in his suit and tie. The thought of not being able to conquer the goal and realize the romanticized dream forces the alternate, bipolar belief that everything is shot to hell without hope of recovering. This is an extremely common self-defeating pattern among many counterphobics where alcohol and/or drugs serves as the primary vehicle for E6's being one's own worst enemy. <br /><br />The great bulk of what I will call the "traditional" alcohol and drug treatment community erroneously believes that it is the alcohol which is to blame for the characterological difficulties among abusing clients. This was recently typified by a discussion I had with an upper management executive, a recovering alcoholic himself, of a very large alcohol treatment provider with well over 20 facilities in southeastern Wisconsin. There is little reason to doubt that as a very high-level spokesperson for this large provider his opinion represents a large proportion of the community. Yet even the events of Bill W.'s own life contradict this cherished belief. Before there ever was an alcohol problem, and even after Bill had completely given up alcohol, the characterological counterphobic dynamic dominated Bill's life. <br /><br />When examined closely it is not too difficult to understand why this misbelief has taken place. I know this top executive well enough to say that he is also an E6 personality. In fact, most of the alcohol recovering and treatment community is E6, following the lead of Bill W. Since projection is a dominating defense for E6 what has naturally happened is that projection has been used extensively on the material of alcohol itself. The power/authority/will of the E6 gets projected onto and magnified in a significant way onto alcohol making it look like a powerful giant with a kind of personal, mythologic or demonized quality. This is highly evident in most treatment centers where counselors go through exercises with clients helping them to grieve the loss of their personal relationship with alcohol as though they had just lost a spouse. Alcohol is thus blamed for a whole host of problems including actually being able to change the characterological structure of a person!!! This blaming, while given lip service by counselors as a contraindicated condition, is nonetheless practiced by these same counselors! All this projection of power onto alcohol has the distinct tendency to keep authority/power/will out of the hands of the client where it is most needed. <br /><br />It is now 1931, three years later, and Lois has convinced her father to let them stay with him (p. 4), so severe has been their fall. We get another good example of Lois' E6 character in her codependent enabling of Bill's alcohol problem through her mythologizing of Bill while at the same time being resentful and angry over his alcohol problem. She states to her father in the hallway while Bill waits out in the car that she "sees things in him that he can't see in himself." Yes, what she "sees" is an unrealistic, mythologized image of Bill that isn't true. Neither is he as bad as she thinks at the other end of the bipolar spectrum. Of course, it doesn't take long before Bill comes stumbling home drunk and has to be sedated by Lois' physican father. This scene also would be comical if not for its realism. First of all, Bill reveals the depth of his guilt by telling Lois to get rid of him and how no good he is. But the second that Lois' father agrees with that advice Bill shrivels to a 10 year old boy who begs Lois not to leave him. Tom Condon refers to this as "age regression" among E6s in his video "Tom Condon Discusses 5's--6's--7's." <br /><br />Meanwhile, in the midst of attempting to cope with his alcoholism, Bill continues to make his counter-phobic spy-behind-the-lines tactic impress his now former boss (p. 5). The former boss slaps some cash in Bill's hand as a show of patronizing pity for Bill's condition. Delighted over some sign of self-worth Bill shows up still quite intoxicated at the department store where Lois now works in order for them to live. Store security is quickly called and a struggle ensues with Bill falling down a flight of stairs landing him in Dr. Silkworth's hospital where he begins to go into the DTs. With Bill screaming in the background Dr. Silkworth and Lois are shown engaging in an extremely interesting conversation. Dr. Silkworth tells Lois that he thinks Bill's alcoholism is a "disease . . . an allergic addiction . . . (an idea that's) not too popular with my fellow doctors" (p. 7). This scene would lead us to believe that what is popularly known today as the "disease concept" was originated with Dr. Silkworth in 1931. However, the truth of the matter is that this idea was proposed and held by other doctors centuries earlier. <br /><br />Even more interesting, however, is Lois' reply to Dr. Silkworth: "What good is knowing that if he can't stop?" This question raises the extremely important issue of responsibility within AA and the alcohol treatment community in which there is a great deal of confusion going on. Because of projection in E6 this "disease concept" lends itself perfectly to creating all the confusion surrounding this matter. With alcohol and the "disease" appearing to be a greatly magnified giant over which the alcoholic is "powerless" how can the E6 make any kind of decision or choice facing this overwhelming imagined scenario? The truth of the matter is that the individual is NOT powerless over alcohol or a disease! When the E6 is able to recognize projection, take back their own power/will/choice-making ability they can and do make choices for themselves that are helpful to their own cause. The whole notion of being powerless over alcohol (from step 1 of the 12 Steps) easily leads many E6 drinkers to think fatalistically which, to one degree or another, is already a characterological feature of E6. "If I'm powerless over alcohol then what's the use?" The real issue involved in this whole matter is the acceptance of a realistic view of self and life. If the reality is that I have a persistent loss of control problem with alcohol I must accept the limitations I have with respect to alcohol and I may very well never be able to drink again. What the Cp E6 must come to grips with is that the natural "up against it" energy for a cause, fix-it dynamic, characterological pattern doesn't always work in life, and, in fact, it actually works against the self in areas of life like alcohol and close relationships. But when one has relied on this feature all one's life to get where they're at and depends upon it for their sense of value and worth it becomes excruciatingly difficult to decide against it. Thus, in the 12 Steps of AA, in Step 1 the phrase "powerless over alcohol" actually means "I can't always use my counterphobic, conquer, fix-all mentality to deal with everything in life; I have to accept limits and realize this, especially with alcohol." Since Bill W., as the cofounder of AA and compiler of the 12 Steps, is a Cp E6, naturally the primary application and the bulk of the effectiveness with the 12 Steps and particularly Step 1, is going to be with open, willing Cp E6s. Toward the end of the movie there is a flashforward to Dr. Bob's death bed where we hear a conversation voiceover between Dr. Bob and Bill. We hear Dr. Bob say, "We just don't drink." This "just don't drink" is an example of E6 taking one's power back and making a decision for the self. It means taking responsibility for myself and for any condition that I might have. This semantic confusion has never been explained and cleared up by contemporary AA groups. <br /><br />Following his detox in the hospital the next scene finds Bill standing alone in his father-in-law's house gazing contemplatively out the window as Lois enters the room. In phobic E6 fashion Lois assumes excessive amounts of responsibility for Bill's alcohol problem in her imagination and asks him about it. After Bill denies that it is any of her fault he launches into a Hamlet-like semi-soliloquy. This is the part referred to earlier in this paper that clearly reveals Bill's core of fear and low self-esteem as the result of E6 projection. What was present inside Bill nearly all of his adult life and hid so well is forced to appear under the excruciating, firey purgation of his alcoholism. To get the full effect of this revelation I am reproducing this semi-soliloquy in full. To Lois' question "Why? Why do you do it to yourself?" Bill responds: <br /><br /><br />I've been standing here all afternoon asking myself the same question: "Why?" I look out the window and look at all the normal people walking by. (pause) It's funny; (pause) I don't think I've ever felt normal all my life. I mean (pause) like other people. I feel different somehow, like I don't quite measure up. Ever since I can remember I've had this feeling (pause) deep down in my gut--scared. I see people laughing, at ease with each other. I'm on the outside looking in, afraid maybe that I won't be accepted. And then, overseas [in the military during WWI] I found that a drink, a few drinks, makes me feel comfortable--like I always want to feel. It gives me courage to be with people (pause) do things (pause) to dream. The money, the success, the respect--it was all good for awhile, but it never seemed enough. I always want doubles of everything to make me feel alive, worthwhile inside. And then it all began to slip away. (pause) I feel cheated, angry, always so full of fear. So I drink--more, and it makes it okay, for awhile. I convince myself that things will turn around tomorrow, soon; (pause) that I'll make it all up to you. But it only gets worse. I keep promising you, others, myself: "That's it! No more!! Going on the wagon! That's it!!! And I think I mean it; (pause) but the guilt, the depression; (pause) I can't look in a mirror or at you, especially at you. I've stopped believing in everything, people, God, myself. I know it sounds insane, Lois, but inspite of all this, what I want right now more than anything else is another drink. <br />An entire book could be written on this scene alone. Suffice it to briefly hit the high points. Key is the identification, three times, to the core energy and motivator of fear. Also is the negative comparison of the self to others as the result of projection. The competent, successful outside is compensatory behavior for an inner core of the doubting self. The character issue of courage for E6 comes to the fore in this section. There is a definite implied cowardice (Naranjo calls the neurotic E6 "the coward"), especially in reference to the use of alcohol as the power to create inner courage. I will often use the phrase "liquid courage" with E6 clients when referring to this affective type of alcohol use. A great deal of alcohol counseling has traditionally denied that the feeling life or psychology has anything to do with the person's drinking, stating that "it's the 'disease'" or the addiction, thus extremely minimizing the psychological involvement in the dynamics. The counterphobic aspect of "wanting doubles of everything" typifies the mental attitude of the more and bigger, the better, which leads to disasterous results in some situatons. I have even gone so far as to clasify this type of drinking as the counterphobic pattern of chemical use. The movie Bill W. also accurately refers to the bipolar dynamic of counterphobic, extreme causes winding up short of the expectation leaving the E6 feeling at the opposite extreme--"cheated (an implied victim), angry, full of fear." Finally, we could not leave comment on this section without referring to the implied religious or spiritual aspects exemplified in the loss of faith--the quality which has been marginalized 2 in E6. Because God is projected upon as the ultimate authority figure, when "God" doesn't do the will of the E6, then the E6 "punishes" God by reacting against the only thing God truly wants from the individual--faith. <br /><br />Taking seriously the warning of Dr. Silkworth that Bill would have to be institutionalized for his own protection if he didn't stop drinking, Lois, along with Bill's friend Ebby, checks out a local, residential mental institution where the head doctor reassures them that "alcoholics imagine things, see things . . . they aren't feeling any real pain" as they walk by the rooms of residents who are loudly moaning and in obvious pain. Ebby, who by this time had come to realize his own alcoholism and found recovery in an evangelical movement called the Oxford Group, agrees to Lois' request to talk with Bill rather than trying to have Bill institutionalized. The subsequent meeting between Ebby and Bill in the kitchen takes up, by far, more space than any other single topic in Bill's chapter 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous (pp. 8-12). The movie scene gives us the impression that this meeting was far shorter than Bill's reallife account of the event. The result is that Bill, quite intoxicated during the meeting and attempting to get Ebby to drink gin with him, becomes angry, bitter and hypercritical, followed by a bipolar swing to remorse and emotional charm, but remains quite unconvinced in the end. <br /><br />Section Two: Hitting Bottom - Bill's Spiritual Conversion Experience skip to <br />section three <br /><br />In the following scene we find Bill frantically searching the house for another hidden bottle only to discover the mental institution's brochure given to Lois at her visit. There could not have been a more severe blow to Bill's counterphobic mentality and he waits in the darkened living room drunk until Lois comes home in the evening to angrily read her the Riot Act. But the straw breaks the camel's back for Lois and she does an about face bipolar flip of her own to the counterphobic side launching an all out verbal and physical attack on Bill for which we feel like jumping up and down in joyous support. Bill angrily and defiantly stumbles out of the house, runs into people and automobiles and finally into a utility pole that leaves him lying in the gutter, literally. We then see Bill lying in the hospital, again going through the DTs (p. 13). <br /><br />We reach the apex of the movie with Bill in his hospital bed thrashing in tortuous internal conflict reminiscent of Jacob's wrestling with the angel when, out of sheer exhaustion, Bill let's go and he experiences a supernatural, mystical experience of the divine in which a "peace that passeth all understanding" grips his inward being to the core resulting in a full blown conversion (p. 13). Dr. Silkworth, the next morning, sees the remarkable change in Bill and encourages him to stick with it even though the doctor is "a man of science" (p. 14). In addition, Bill describes the "fear, dread" and feeling like he was going crazy just prior to his converion experience, another indicator of his E6 core. <br /><br />We could not let this part of the movie go by without some significant comments. First of all, it must be realized that it was this spiritual conversion experience that dramatically shifted the personal energy with the result that Bill never drank again in his life. I have literally heard from dozens of my clients how people in AA meetings try to convince them that they cannot stop drinking without the help of AA. Yet Bill W. himself stopped drinking without the help of AA--AA yet to have been formed historically. Also, as a former pastor, I have heard dozens of stories and have known people who completely quit without the help of AA. Certainly we cannot fault AA for the misguided notions of some who attend. Yet, at the same time, I believe there is a degree of ignorance in many AA groups surrounding this idea. Those who militantly propose that only membership in AA can lead to sobriety have not read in The Big Book (the common name used in AA circles for Alcoholics Anonymous) itself in the Foreward on page xxi: "Upon therapy for the alcoholic himself, we surely have no monopoly." <br /><br />It is also imperative that the clear, spiritual underpinnings of AA be discussed. Common misconceptions abound in both AA and AA-promoted treatment centers regarding this topic. One of the most tragic and confusing distortions of the original AA spirituality has been the use of many AA members to make their "higher power" anything they so choose as long as it helps them to avoid the real, genuine Higher Power. One AA member, a biker, once told me his higher power was his leather jacket. I have yet to ever hear of the kind of conversion experience that Bill W. had using some inanimate object as a "higher power." It is still beyond my comprehension how someone could consider something inanimate, like a leather jacket, to be a "higher power" than his own, personal human being, extremely complex and awesome. Of course, this confusion stems from the phrase in the 12 Steps referring to God "as we understood Him." This has been taken by members of AA to completely deny the existence of God as a Higher Power. Looking at this situation through E6 we can more readily understand what is happening. In E6 God becomes the ultimate projected authority, ascribed demonized qualities in a grossly exaggerated way, usually because of a characterological dependence where God was viewed as victimizing the individual in some way because of some painful events that took place in the individual's life (usually childhood). God must, therefore, be rejected and some other thing must be the substitute, with the result of far less power, if any power, available to the individual. It is disappointing to hear such notable individuals in the field, like Father Martin, a Catholic priest, suggest that the AA group be the higher power. This kind of substitution was clearly not envisioned by the founders of AA. The essence of that discussion that took place in Bill's kitchen with Ebby is that if a person has an unrealistic, critical (projected) view of image of God, the individual can feel free to be open to a healthier, more positive view of God, but it is still God, not some inanimate object or even the AA group. Because of contemporary AA's difficulty with control issues, something that is characterologically common in E6, many AA members have been unwilling to accept some prospective members' disbelief in God and, thus, have felt free to water down, or allow to be watered down, the image of God in order to make the prospective, unbelieving member more comfortable. I understand that the only requirement for AA is a sincere desire to stop drinking and doesn't necessarily involve belief or disbelief in God. But this is beside the point being made about the image of God. Both can be accomplished at the same time--accepting nonbelievers in a nonjudgmental fashion and promoting a healthy image of God. <br /><br />In addition, the spiritual nature of AA, by necessity, includes the total, genuine, complete free will of the individual to participate in AA. In the large alcohol treatment center where I conducted an intensive evening treatment program the treatment plan required the client to participate in AA and to obtain a sponsor in AA. I never followed through with this requirement because of my own strong conviction that any spiritual program involve the total free will of the individual without any direct or subtle and implied coercion, even though I am a very strong supporter of the original AA spiritual experience. Apparently so many alcohol counselors who attempt to coerce clients into AA have never taken seriously the statement in the Foreward of The Big Book on p. xix: "Our public relations were to be based upon attraction rather than promotion." <br /><br />Section Three: The Postconversion Continuation of Counterphobic Character skip to <br />section four <br /><br />The movie now moves on to a critical scene. It is 1933, several years after Bill's conversion experience and he, with Lois' help, has set up in their home what amounts to be a cross between a treatment center and a halfway house for any alcoholics he can pick up. The scene unfolds as Bill comes home late at night with Lois already in bed. They begin to have intimate conversation when the new drunk they have just brought in goes "berserk" and requires Bill's assistance. Lois angrily expresses her feelings of abandonment as Bill goes to help Ebby with the newest "client." <br /><br />Perhaps the key element of this scene is the continued counterphobic character of Bill W., the "conquering hero," without good boundaries, attempting to rescue others like he did in WWI out of counterphobic energy for an underdog cause. His attraction to drunks can't help but remind us of the testimony of Patricia Tobey quoted earlier, and the fact that these "relationships" weren't healthy ones, continuing to distract his attention and energy away from the importance of his marriage. It must be stated again that it is this same counterphobic character structure that was clearly exhibited both before there was any serious drinking problem and during the heavy drinking years that we see in the postdrinking years. Bill W.'s own life debunks the common belief today that these character flaws are the result of alcohol. Bill also experiences the very common result that many counterphobics testify to of feelings of being taken advantage of (victimized), angry and irritated because of not having a good sense of limits and boundaries in how they expend their underdog energy for others. <br /><br />In the meantime, Lois approaches Bill's former boss at the brokerage firm to get his job back. The boss is iimpressed with the report of Bill's newly found sobriety and hires him to spy on a proxy battle in Akron setting the stage for the now famous first AA meeting between him and Dr. Bob Smith. Two interesting things happen in the scene where Bill is frantically packing his bags for Akron and engaging in a "pity party." Bill's failure to reform any of his drunk clients leads him to say that he's a "drunk who doesn't drink," a statement that would soon be cliched into the form of "dry drunk." So heavy is the E6/AA projection of power onto alcohol that alcohol is even blamed (credited?) for behavior when alcohol isn't even involved!! In fact, a "dry drunk" is nothing more than the low end behavior of the characterological structure that was always a part of the person even though it may have been successfully hidden most of the time. 3 The second interesting thing in this scene is Bill's projecting of his own, doubting ruminations of his alcohol behavior onto his wife, accusing her of having bad faith in him. As a phobic E6 it is entirely possible that Lois could have been thinking this--phobics having the frequent tendency to engage in worst-case scenario thinking. However, Lois does not state this and the reference Bill makes to her facial features is likely his own projection. <br /><br />Section Four: The Original AA Experience as Antidote for Counterphobic Character skip to <br />section five <br /><br />We move to the hotel in Akron where Bill is anxiously awaiting the proxy battle outcome, all the while chain smoking. He notices the lounge in the far corner of the hotel and the scene leads us to believe he is battling his thoughts of alcohol use. After failed attempts to alleviate his boredom, he walks into the lounge leaving us with the anticipated, sickening feeling of an impending drunk. However, when asked by the bartender what he would like, Bill responds by asking for nickels--nickels to be used making phone calls to local clergy requesting to speak to another drunk. Finally, Bill is referred to Dr. Bob Smith, a local physician who has ruined his medical career with alcohol. The stage is set. Bill arrives at Dr. Bob's house where he is introduced to the wary physician, hands trembling and defensive in his speech. Almost as though he were anticipating the recent counterphobic Bill, Dr. Bob wards off an imagined conversion attempt by Bill referring to other well meaning individuals who have tried their best to reform him ("prayed over and carved up more than a Thanksgiving turkey"). What takes place next, when Bill is finally able to get a word in edgewise, shakes up and obliviates our expectations ushering in a spiritual power that explodes with the likeness of Pentecost. I have watched this movie perhaps 30 times now and this scene has never failed to bring a deep wellspring of energy and feeling in my gut that quickly rises and pours out as tears in my eyes. The reply by Bill, "I'm not here for you, Dr. Smith, I'm here for me" represents the radical shift away from counterphobic energy that Bill spent his entire life relying on for his sense of worthwhileness. Even after his conversion experience and subsequent period of sobriety his attention remained firmly fixed on the needs and problems of others. There is now a conspicuous shift of attention to himself, the lack of such attention being largely responsible for his inability to address his own alcohol problem. Such a dramatic shift of attention, I believe, can only be accomplished with the help of spiritual energy that often is only accessed after repeated failures and headbanging. This is the significance: AA was born out of the energy of withdrawing from the attempt to control others, to reform them, to convince them or coerce them into something. This dynamic flies in the face of a great deal of professional alcohol counseling these days where the bulk of the energy by the counselor goes to trying to convince the client how "bad" their alcohol problem is and to try to coerce them into something that the client is not yet willing to cooperate with yet. (This problem is magnified exponentially when E6 clients are mandated into treatment because of legal problems.) If alcohol counselors, especially recovering alcoholic counselors, truly wanted to follow the original example of AA they would greet their client at the first session by letting the client know in no uncertain terms how much they, the counselor, needed the client to facilitate their own sobriety and then go on to empower the client rather than to rob the client of their power by assuming the worst of the client ("they lie their heads off") and treating the client like a child who couldn't possibly think for themselves or make their own decisions. This is also clearly communicated in the movie in a following scene where Dr. Bob and Bill are walking down the street discussing their wonderful discovery. Of paramount importance, says Dr. Bob, is staying away from lecturing and preaching, control devices that are commonly used in alcohol programs. The secret, Dr. Bob goes on, is "to do what you did to me." What did Bill do? He discussed his own alcohol problem with Dr. Bob and stayed away from attempting to reform Dr. Bob in any way. Coercing clients and requiring them to attend AA violates the tradition of AA itself!! <br /><br />Thus with evangelical zeal Bill and Dr. Bob set out to try their technique on other drunks and AA is officially launched. But what was supposed to be a week's stay in Akron turned into four months much to the dismay of both Lois and good friend Ebby who meets Bill at the train station in New York intoxicated after going on his own bipolar swing of jealousy. Ebby runs off never to be seen again in the movie. In fact, the movie implies that Ebby, who occupies so much of Bill's discussion in chapter 1 of The Big Book, especially with regard to spiritual principles, is not involved in the startup and growth of AA. His disappearance is a mystery. We are also left wondering what happened to Bill's job again. Would his boss put up with him staying in Akron for four months? We're never told. <br /><br />It also prompts a crisis in Bill's marriage. Lois, still clinging to her own control tendencies with respect to trying to change Bill, confronts Bill late at night about her disenchantment with their marriage. She suffers under the same illusion that so many others have had--the illusion that once the drinking stopped everything would be okay. This is another case of severe projection of power onto alcohol and effectively argues against the mistaken notion that alcohol has caused the characterological difficulties. If this is true, why do these characterological difficulties persist well beyond the cessation of drinking? It is because the problem is rooted in the person, not in the alcohol. Many of our modern alcohol treatment centers still don't seem to understand this. In Bill and Lois' marriage, like so many others, alcohol served the purpose of shifting attention away from the real people involved in the relationship. The reason so many marriages break up after the drinking stops is that it is much easier to place the focus of attention on alcohol than it is on ourselves! Dealing with alcohol is relatively easy compared to a relationship! <br /><br />Section Five: Counterphobic Character in the AA Years skip to <br />section six <br /><br />Flashforward to Dr. Bob's deathbed and Bill and Lois' final visit where a contrived plethora of AA cliches comes pouring out. It's 1950 and Bill and Lois travel to California where they happen upon a church advertising an AA meeting. They attend it and it is clear that Bill is having some difficulty adjusting to being an anonymous hero instead of a conquering hero. No one at the meeting recognizes who he is--a blow to the old ego--in spite of significant clues given as to his identity. And old habits die hard. Following the meeting Bill again abandons Lois to play hero to yet another drunk as they talk, supposedly, for hours alone after the meeting and the movie fades to an end. In this final scene the movie leaves us with the impression that Lois, whether in actuality or not, has finally come to a resolution within herself to give up attempting to control Bill, change him and somehow acquire a "normal" marriage "like everyone else." There is a great sense of individuality revealed that allows her to move on with her own life and not define it so much by her romanticized view of how the marriage should be. <br /><br />At this point it should be mentioned that counterphobic character is not being portrayed as all bad. If fact, the concept of character suggests that counterphobic character, quite the contrary, is a gifted condition, and that whatever negative consequences occur due to counterphobic behavior are the result of leaning excessively on a good thing in an unbalanced way. I believe it is safe to say that without counterphobic character there would not be such a thing as AA today. But our gifts come at a price and we must all decide what price we are willing to pay. <br /><br />Section Six: Differential Diagnosis skip to <br />conclusion <br /><br />Practitioners of the Enneagram might well wonder why Bill W. couldn't be an Enneatype 3 (E3). Certainly, Bill W. appears to have a number of E3 qualities, largely associated with his success orientation and projection of image. One could argue well for E3, however, there are key elements that beg for E6. His deeply felt, sensitive feelings for others, e.g. being the parental, understanding, caring figure for his men on the battle field, is experienced as much more available and genuine than we would see in E3, where emotional connection is largely severed and "feelings" are more contrived in the untransformed. The bipolar dynamic, so characteristic of Bill W. throughout the movie, is distinct to E6 and is not found in E3. The actual drinking or chemical use pattern is characteristic for Cp E6 where E3 tends to be quite selective in terms of where they use addictive chemicals, largely out of public view. Some might also suggest Bill W. to be an Enneatype 8, frequently confused with Cp E6. Again the feeling life and bipolar dynamic rule out E8. In addition, Bill clearly presents himself as a victim in several scenes, something that E8 does not conceptualize for itself. <br /><br />Conclusion skip to <br />footnotes <br /><br />My experience as an Enneagram practitioner in my private practice for the past five years and as a professional drug and alcohol counselor for the past 10 years with significant personal exposure to AA and to many individuals, both client and nonclient, in AA strongly suggests an E6 subcultural milieu for the recovering community including AA. It has also been my experience that this E6 milieu extends to the supportive groups of AA such as Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics and into support groups of traumatized victims, sexual abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is clear that the film "My Name is Bill W." is intended to portray a realistic picture of both Bill Wilson and AA. I believe that it succeeds even though certain details are Hollywoodized for the sake of the artistic expression. <br /><br />It should be mentioned that both Bill and Dr. Bob, in real life, died quite painful and miserable deaths that were directly linked to their cigarette smoking. There has been a recent uproar of letter writing from some alcohol counselors in Wisconsin through the certification board's publication seriously questioning other alcohol counselor's addiction to nicotene and practice in the field of addictions. It reminds me of an alcohol counselor I worked with at a previous agency, a Cp E6, who stated that it was either cigarettes or marijuana. He could not possibly conceive of life without some kind of externally manifested, material addiction. The point of the letter-writing campaign, I believe, relates extremely well to the topic of this paper. The E6 focus of attention has been so heavily placed on alchol that other issues in life, just as serious, if not more serious in many cases, become neglected and fail to have energy addresed to the problem. <br /><br />One final comment and observation will be made about E6 and the contemporary alcohol counseling field. It is indeed ironic that most of the damage that I have observed done to clients is done by recovering alcoholic E6 counselors toward clients who are also E6. 4 These counselors, though not drinking, have never gotten in touch with their own habit of projecting their own worst-case, imagined thinking onto their clients leaving the trust relationship, the absolute essential crux of therapy, in total shambles. Tom Condon has referred to E6 individuals being their own worst enemy. It is also true that the alcohol counseling field and their clients tend to be their own worst enemies within the E6 characterological style and energy pattern. <br /><br />I love Bill W.'s life, his experience and the original spiritual expression of his movement. However, as with all spiritual movements, succeeding generations who either do not experience the original vision or only partially do so, begin to greatly dilute the original intent and experience of the movement. This is what we have seen with AA. It is to AA's credit that so many of its members continue to be extraordinarily helped. More than anything this paper is a call for all of AA to rediscover its roots and to take a new look at itself with the eyes of depth of insight through the Enneagram and through its founders. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />Footnotes <br />1. I also like Claudio Naranjo's term "mythologize" (Character and Neurosis). However, the term "mythologizing" seems more appropriate when referring to a person rather than an ideal or situation. back to text <br /><br />2. The CC-M Productions video, "The Path to Effective Leadership: The Enneagram as a Management Tool, Part 1," uses the phrase "quality lost in childhood." I don't believe the quality, e.g., faith, is "lost" in childhood; this is too strong. The quality is experienced from birth as being reduced, varying significantly from one person to the next, in strength. back to text <br /><br />3. We must ask ourselves, "What is the difference between the exact same, unhealthy behavior of a nondrinking person and that of a drinking or formerly drinking person?" The answer is "Nothing!" back to text <br /><br /><br />4. It has been my observation and experience that counselors who are not alcoholic E6, for the most part, have been able to form better therapeutic, trusing relationships with E6 alcohol/drug clients. Something, perhaps, happened on the way from being an alcholic, and being able to relate empathically to other alcoholics, to an alcohol counselor--a position carrying with it a certain authority. It is likely this authority issue becomes paramount for E6 counselors who now have forgotten their early expeience of being powerless and the need to give up control, even over their clients.

initial meeting between Bill W. and cofounder Dr. Bob S. in 1935 in Akron was the single most important event in the 20th century

It is not entirely clear to me, one who has never had a drug or alcohol problem, why I entered the professional field of drug and alcohol co...

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A straight look about some crooked feelings,We've all felt the giddy flutter of excitement when our new lover walks into the room.

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0f7kGw7B5qwnyOwtItm4NK1GrzlG7RlaBOW5XHJVByJBmnNPiIAshaxFfnKirkVcnRxX2ZLZSLhCidlumzHcG9k0fgjKnQznAqr-yWh5-V3WHAzXu0ccegPITXNnIWrVduJxCD1eenFh/s1600-h/susancheever-210-Desire_good.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB0f7kGw7B5qwnyOwtItm4NK1GrzlG7RlaBOW5XHJVByJBmnNPiIAshaxFfnKirkVcnRxX2ZLZSLhCidlumzHcG9k0fgjKnQznAqr-yWh5-V3WHAzXu0ccegPITXNnIWrVduJxCD1eenFh/s320/susancheever-210-Desire_good.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br /></div><br />We've all felt the giddy flutter of excitement when our new lover walks into the room. Waited by the phone, changed our plans...But are we in love, or is there something darker at work? In Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction, Susan Cheever explores the shifting boundaries between the feelings of passion and addiction, desire and need, and she raises provocative and important questions about who we love and why.<br />Elegantly written and thoughtfully composed, Cheever's book combines unsparing and intimate memoir, interviews and stories, hard science and psychology to explore the difference between falling in love and falling prey to an addiction. Part one defines what addiction is and how it works -- the obsession, the betrayals, the broken promises to oneself and others. Part two explores the possible causes of addiction -- is it nature or nurture, a permanent condition or a temporary derangement? Part three considers what we can do about it, including a provocative suggestion about how we describe and treat addiction, and a look at the importance of community and storytelling.<br />In the end, there are no easy answers. "A straight look about some crooked feelings," Desire shows us the difference between the addiction that cripples our emotions, and healthy, empowering love that enhances our lives.

A straight look about some crooked feelings,We've all felt the giddy flutter of excitement when our new lover walks into the room.

We've all felt the giddy flutter of excitement when our new lover walks into the room. Waited by the phone, changed our plans...But are ...

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How I came to write a biography of Bill Wilson (2004)

<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGDrEl9ZhRuGP53B9RfSOhYe7LINQ8NbDZ8tffeAifvn5Cn2PDYauZpA2VSiFLF7i0Rs63R6VpdlZW1FC805uIgycsqpcm6ZeMsWIrL5NzADRQRjpRoSSEXXSV27Jn4FD7ev4rpGKoV8o/s1600-h/susancheever-210-My_name_is_bill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSGDrEl9ZhRuGP53B9RfSOhYe7LINQ8NbDZ8tffeAifvn5Cn2PDYauZpA2VSiFLF7i0Rs63R6VpdlZW1FC805uIgycsqpcm6ZeMsWIrL5NzADRQRjpRoSSEXXSV27Jn4FD7ev4rpGKoV8o/s320/susancheever-210-My_name_is_bill.jpg" vr="true" /></a><br /></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />About five years ago Time Magazine asked me to write a profile of Wilson, the cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was amazed to find that although there had been some books about Wilson including his own and his wife Lois' autobiographies, there had never been a proper, fully documented biography. Bill Wilson is one of the most influential thinkers of the 20th century, a man who founded a movement which changed all of our lives. I felt he deserved the best biography I could write. I began the book respecting him as a teacher and a writer. By the time I finished that respect had doubled and redoubled. I hope that my book does justice to this extraordinary man and gives some sense of his amazing life story.

How I came to write a biography of Bill Wilson (2004)

About five years ago Time Magazine asked me to write a profile of Wilson, the cofounder of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was amazed to find that a...

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